Why self awareness is important?

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You know that feeling when someone gives you feedback and it lands like a punch you never saw coming?

Not because it's mean.

But because you genuinely had no idea.

The promotion that went to someone less qualified.

The relationship that ended over "communication issues" you couldn't identify.

The raise you didn't get despite working harder than anyone else.

The team that somehow always seems frustrated with you, though you can't pinpoint why.

You replay the conversations.

You were professional. Competent. You did everything right.

Except there's this gap.

This thing everyone else apparently sees that you don't.

And the worst part? You can feel it.

That nagging sense that something is off, that you're missing something crucial, that there's a version of reality operating around you that you're not quite accessing.

The Mirror

"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour."

— Stephen Covey

Here's what's actually happening in those moments:

You're sitting in a meeting, making what you think is a strong point.

In your head, you're being assertive and clear. But your colleague three seats down is watching you interrupt for the fourth time, seeing you dismiss ideas without acknowledging them, noticing the way the room's energy shifts when you speak.

You don't see any of this. You can't. Because you're inside your intentions, and everyone else is experiencing your impact.

Or you're at your desk, putting in twelve-hour days, delivering flawless work. In your mind, this should translate directly to recognition.

But your manager is watching you turn down leadership opportunities because you "don't feel ready yet," seeing you avoid feedback conversations, noticing that you never ask about your market value or negotiate for more.

You think the issue is that others don't recognize your worth.

The actual issue is that you don't.

This is the gap.

Not between what you want and what you do. Between who you think you are and who you actually show up as.

Only 10-15% of people are truly self-aware. Which means 85-90% of us are walking around with a version of ourselves in our heads that doesn't match what everyone else experiences.

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"Self-awareness is a luxury. Most people would rather be comfortable in a lie than uncomfortable in the truth, even if the truth is what sets them free." — N.M. Stephens

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That promotion you didn't get?

The person who got it probably wasn't more skilled. They were more aware of how their presence landed, what their actual value was, how their behavior affected others.

They could see themselves from the outside.

You can't.

And this blindness isn't passive. It's actively expensive.

The Machine You Can't See

Here's what lack of self-awareness actually is: operating on autopilot while assuming you're making conscious choices.

It's your brain running on System 1 thinking—that fast, automatic processing that jumps to conclusions without evidence. You filter every interaction through your own assumptions, your fixed mindsets, your unexamined biases. Then you defend that filtered version as objective reality.

The Dunning-Kruger effect is part of this machine: you don't know what you don't know, so you can't identify the gaps.

You might be choosing careers you're unfit for, repeating relationship patterns that don't work, making the same professional mistakes over and over. And because you can't see the pattern, you can't break it.

Meanwhile, you're climbing what psychologists call the Ladder of Inference. You observe something. You select data based on your existing beliefs. You interpret that data through your biases. You draw conclusions. You take action. And you never stop to question whether any of those steps were accurate.

Example: Your manager gives you critical feedback.

What actually happened: They identified a specific behavior pattern affecting team dynamics.

What you heard: Personal attack. Unfair criticism. Proof they don't value you.

What you did: Got defensive. Dismissed the feedback. Doubled down on the behavior.

What they saw: Someone unable to receive input. Someone not ready for more responsibility.

The gap widens.

This is the machine.

And it's running 24/7, keeping you locked in a reality that only you inhabit.

The Escalating Cost

At first, the cost seems small. A missed promotion here, an awkward interaction there.

But here's what's actually accumulating:

Financially: You're leaving tens of thousands of dollars on the table. Studies show that gains in self-awareness (part of emotional intelligence) predict bigger salary increases than equivalent gains in IQ. Every year you don't negotiate because you don't know your worth, every opportunity you turn down because you "don't feel ready," every raise you don't get because you can't calibrate your value—it compounds.

A CEO studying salary transparency found that most employees are "blind to what we're really worth." That blindness costs you money. Real money. Over a career, hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Professionally: Research on Fortune 10 companies found that teams with even one member who overrated their contributions made worse decisions, showed less coordination, and managed conflict poorly. Those teams succeeded at half the rate of other teams. One unself-aware person derailed entire projects. If you're that person, you're not just stagnating—you're becoming the person others route around.

The one not included in key decisions. The one labeled "brilliant but difficult." Technical excellence stops mattering when nobody wants to work with you.

Relationally: A meta-analysis of emotional intelligence research found that low self-awareness partners experience more conflict and higher breakup rates. You're having the same fight in every relationship—"Groundhog Day arguments"—because you can't see your own role. You think your partner overreacts. They think you never listen. Neither of you is wrong, but only one of you can't see the pattern.

That's you. And each iteration erodes trust, intimacy, and connection until there's nothing left.

Internally: Without self-awareness, you can't recognize your own stress signals. You operate on autopilot until you burn out. A recent study found that self-awareness predicted health and well-being factors in college students. Those who couldn't reflect on their feelings accumulated stress until it erupted in anxiety, depression, insomnia. They became their own worst enemy—overly self-critical, perfectionistic, never recognizing progress. The stress compounds. The isolation deepens. And because you can't see what's happening, you can't course-correct.

This is the real cost:

A life lived at 50% of your potential, surrounded by people who see things about you that you'll never access, making decisions based on a version of reality that exists only in your head.

And the worst part?

You'll never know what you missed. The relationship that could have worked. The career that could have taken off. The version of yourself that other people needed you to become.

The Identity Shift

"Self-awareness is not just looking in the mirror; it’s learning how to stand behind the other person and look at the person in the mirror through their eyes."

— J.D. Giacomelli 

Here's what I need you to understand: Self-awareness isn't a trait you either have or don't have. It's a practice. A skill. A choice you make repeatedly.

The people who are self-aware aren't blessed with some magical insight gene.

They're reality-seekers.

They've decided that seeing themselves accurately—even when it's uncomfortable—matters more than protecting their self-image.

This is the new identity: You become someone who treats feedback as data, not attack. Someone who asks "what am I missing?" instead of "why don't they understand?" Someone who calibrates to reality instead of defending perception.

And here's the reversal that changes everything: You don't need to feel comfortable with feedback to seek it. You don't need to feel ready to ask about your value. You don't need to feel certain you're self-aware to start practicing awareness.

The discomfort comes first. Always.

The defensiveness, the resistance, the voice that says "but I already know myself"—that's the signal you're about to grow.

Reality-seekers treat that discomfort as information. "Oh, I'm getting defensive. That means this feedback is touching something real. Let me lean in instead of pulling back."

They ask:

• "What did I miss in that interaction?"

• "How did my behavior land for others?"

• "What am I not seeing about this situation?"

• "Am I operating on assumption or evidence?"

  
  

They seek feedback actively.

Not just the formal performance reviews, but the micro-moments: "How did that come across?" "What could I have done differently?" "What am I not noticing?"

They examine their financial behaviors honestly.

Not "I'm bad with money" but "What triggers my impulse spending? What story am I telling myself about my market value? What pattern keeps repeating?"

They notice their relationship patterns.

Not "They always leave" but "What do I do when conflict arises? How do my defenses show up? What would my partner say I can't see about myself?"

They check their System 1 thinking. When they jump to a conclusion, they pause: "What data am I selecting? What am I filtering out? What assumption am I defending?"

This isn't comfortable.

It won't feel natural.

You'll want to stop.

That's how you'll know you're doing it right.

Because the gap between who you think you are and who you actually are?

That gap closes one uncomfortable observation at a time. One piece of feedback you don't dismiss. One pattern you finally recognize. One assumption you question instead of defend.

Self-aware people perform better at work, get promoted more, earn more, maintain healthier relationships, experience less burnout, and report greater life satisfaction. Not because they're perfect. Because they can see themselves clearly enough to course-correct.

The Space

Between the moment something reaches you and the moment you answer it, there is a quiet clearing. In that clearing, your choice gathers itself, and from it, your growth and freedom take shape.

The next time you receive feedback that makes you defensive—that's your moment.

Don't explain. Don't defend. Don't dismiss.

Ask: "Can you tell me more about what you observed?"

The next time you feel stuck in a pattern—relationship, career, financial—that's your signal.

Don't blame circumstances. Don't wait for certainty.

Ask: "What am I not seeing about my role in this?"

The next time you think "I already know myself well"—that's the trap.

Reality-seekers know they don't. They treat self-knowledge as a moving target, not a fixed achievement.

Start today. Pick one area where you suspect there's a gap:

At work: Ask your manager, "What's one thing I don't see about how I show up?" Then listen without explaining.

In relationships: Ask your partner, "What do I do that I might not realize I'm doing?" Then just receive it.

With money: Look at your last month of spending and ask, "What pattern am I avoiding seeing?"

Write down what you learn.

Not what you wish were true.

What actually is.

The discomfort you feel? That's not a stop sign. That's growth approaching.

I need you to become a reality-seeker.

Not because it's comfortable, but because the cost of staying blind is too high.

Your career is waiting for the version of you that others can already see.

Your relationships are waiting for the partner who can recognize their own patterns.

Your financial future is waiting for someone who knows their actual worth.

The gap will always be there.

The question is whether you'll finally step into it and look around.

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Thanks for Genuine Reading

Bishal Lama

(I also write on Substack)